Social v Essential

I was having a cup of coffee in a hotel in Oxfordshire (beautiful county) which inevitably led to the trip to the smallest room! I was struck by the gait of the women in front of me who was walking in a very careful way. Which I recognised immediately as someone wearing heels who usually wears flat shoes. She looked very smart but not very comfortable. There was a sense of her having to walk very precisely and not move too fast; she looked constrained. I think the ladies will know what I mean, gentlemen think about wearing a suit and tie. We all do it, have done it, dressing up for a special occasion. 

But does it have to be so well, constrained?

We package ourselves up because it is expected of us, it is the done thing. I get it, we are being respectful to our hosts and they may have suggested a dress code. It can also be fun.
But what if it has necessitated a new outfit, or a stay in an expensive hotel, gifts/drinks/meals, travelling a long distance to the venue, childcare costs? Supposing you really cannot afford it, or you are not overly fond of your hosts or it’s a family thing you feel you cannot refuse?

More constraint.

What pushes us towards biting the bullet and accepting the invite? 

What are the stories that our social selves are telling us? Mum will be upset if I don’t go/I have to keep up appearances/I must not stand out/ I’ll drink too much because everyone else is. Sometimes in the face of something we really don’t want to do we will develop a migraine, an acute back or a bad attack of asthma. I am not saying this is assumed or made up but our essential self knows what we really want to do and will sometimes arrange it so that we get what we really want.
Or we will leave late, lose the address, arrive after the speeches, we self sabotage. (We’ve all done it!)

But what stops us from just saying no?

It doesn’t have to be aggressive or accompanied by a load of justification it’s a simple no thank you, it was kind of you to ask me but on this occasion I am not able join you. 

Mum will get over it!

What stories the hosts (or your mum) tell themselves about your absence are not your concern. You will feel happy and peaceful because you have listened to yourself and acted on it. You have maintained your relationship with yourself and what makes you happy. Plus the world hasn’t ground to a holt, despite what you may have thought beforehand. Next time this situation presents itself to you take a bit of time to really notice how you feel about it. Not think, feel. Does your heart lift? Great I get to dress up and spend time with friends or do you feel flat or constrained, how quickly can I leave? Try to act on how you feel, your head will tell you a million stories as to why you ‘should’ go. But your feelings won’t lead you astray and having refused one thing who knows what other ‘tempting offers’ you will happily decline?